Mirrors

I recently sent my kids to stay with their dad for two weeks.  I needed some time to recuperate from a bout with Lyme disease and I needed some time to sort through this tangled, but never boring bit of a mess my life is in right now.  My tangled life seems to be made up of all sorts of different colored threads.  The color of the thread representing what ever I have been poking around in, heaping on my plate or just getting snared in while mindlessly walking by....for forty some years.  There are threads of bright bold happy colors, muted peaceful earth tones , soft loving pastels and more than a few desperate, muddy blacks and grays.  While my kids were away Eric, apparently not getting what I thought a very clear message of "I need some quiet time alone"  brought his kids here for that first week of my 'quiet time'.  I was less than gracious about the fact that Eric didn't hear my needs (especially when I had clearly stated them to him) in fact I was down right mad.  I am not proud of the way I handled myself in expressing my justified anger and I most likely added some of those black and gray threads to the mix of my textile collection that first week. 
Eric's boys are wonderful.  I often mention that I am sad that I don't see them more often and am not closer to them.  They live and go to school in Baltimore which is not far from here, maybe an hour in traffic but they go to Gilliman. Gillman is  a very prestigious private school that keeps their lives busy and full in the city.  I refer to "their" city as "the real world".  When Eric and I were first dating I spent some time in Baltimore.  I liked visiting but wouldn't want to live there.  I was astonished at things like how long it takes to find a parking space at a grocery store.  In  the time it took me to park my car at the city grocery store, if I were in Middletown I would have had my shopping done, gotten back home, had my groceries put away and would have started on dinner.  How do people in the city get anything done???? 
One day while the boys were visiting during my designated 'quiet time' Elliot, the oldest of Eric's sons heard me yelling about something they had done, or had not done, or should have done, anyway Elliott confronted me.  He's 18, handsome like his dad and quite a bit taller than I.  I think of him as a little kid but when he calmly, with his deep man voice told me he had overheard...(overheard???)  I'm sure everyone heard my (ahem) conversation with Eric. I suddenly felt very small.  Elliott in his confident and gentle manner, also a trait from his father, conveyed his concern for my peace of mind I saw myself as if reflected in this still, quiet pool of deep blue water.  He, the 18 year old was quiet and still.  I saw my reflection, a child of maybe three ranting that things were not going my way.  "I'm sorry you heard that Elliott...." I began to explain but then stopped.  Elliott was fine, I did not need to reassure him.  I'm glad he approached me.

So I had one week, kid free.  I suppose I did get some things untangled but of course not as much as I wanted.  I thought that with two weeks of "me" time under my belt I would be so enlightened that by the time the kids got home I would be levitating. Ha!  Not even close.  When the kids arrived Monday evening I was so happy to see them!  I hugged them and sniffed the little one...he still smells sweet like little kids do...he finds this primate-like behavior of mine very odd but indulges me anyway.  "Okay, kids."  I said.  "Things are gonna change around here. Calm and peaceful, no yelling, everyone will practice active listening and we will communicate. Okay."  I of course explained to them in detail what all this meant.  They understood...riiiight.  Five minutes into my computer time I hear " MOM!!!!"   I dealt with it, then again "MOMMMM!"  I ignore this one, again and again..."MOMMM!!!" 
"Guys all I need is 45 minutes PLEASE!!!"  I got another 10 minutes of quiet when my 17 year old Jamie bursts into my room and in his typical dead pan way says "I broke my foot"  I never know if Jamie is joking or not.  He's the kid who will pour fake blood all over his body to freak me out and when he comes in with real blood his personality is the same so I cannot tell when to pay attention.  He wouldn't leave even after I put in the ear plugs.  That's my sign that I'm serious 'Leave me alone'!  I finally looked at his foot.  "Yup!  Looks pretty bad Jaime.  What did you do?"
"Parkour"  he says.  Which is a sport also called free running.  I love it that Jamie is athletic but he has my gene, a hunger for adventure with a side of danger and he can't get enough.  Off to the ER, off to the Podiatrist. Xrays show a severe fracture that hopefully while in a cast for 12 weeks might heal but may need surgery. 
I find it so ironic, I am trying to untangle this mass of threads of my life so I can take care of myself and my kids but the kids keep interrupting my untangling and add more to the mass...I missed an important interview, I will have to cancel a presentation tomorrow that has been scheduled for weeks, I will be spending money on his medical needs. Money that I am not going to be making because of his medical needs!  All of this frustration and anxiety was swirling around in my head while we were sitting in the doctors office looking at Jamie's gruesome xray's.  I just started to cry and couldn't stop. 
"Mom? You okay?"  Jamie asks.  I tell him about my frustrations and assure him that it is not his fault. Oh, if only someone would have let me know my parents troubles were not my fault I might be....well, let's not go there it is what it is. 
After leaving the doctors I was on the phone about another business opportunity, possibly a door that is opening for me.  While on the phone my hopes faded when the woman told me her associate was an old colleague of mine.  This former business partner and I had parted ways after my messy divorce.  Apparently my ex won her in the divorce.  "Oh, well thank you for your time." I said cutting this business conversation short because I knew that when she spoke with her associate, my former partner, I wouldn't stand a chance at this business opportunity. 
"What's wrong."Jamie asked.
"Oh, just another road block, another locked door Jamie.  Sit tight. I'll go and get your prescription."
As I walked into the pharmacy that swirling in my head started to overwhelm me again...a thousand thoughts, an infinity of worries I was (again) mindlessly walking through the store and literally bumped into a woman. "oh, excuse me..."  I looked up.  It was my former business partner. The one my ex won in the divorce!  I was stunned!  I had not seen her in five years.  We have not spoken nor do I even think about her very often and there she stood! 
"Unbelievable!" I said.  She was glaring at me but I did not care I stammered and stuttered and finally got the story out of how I had just been on the phone with her current partner and how this meeting must be more than just a coincidence.
"Sharon," I finally stopped my babbling "I know things are not good between us but I have nothing  but love for you in my heart.  I wish you well."  I went right up and hugged her.  I did not until that moment realize the heavy resentment I had been carrying around all these years because of her ending our relationship.  I was hurt but never felt anything but anger until that moment.  She hugged me back, much to my surprise and we actually had a pleasant conversation.
I went back to the car and told Jamie the whole story.  Jamie listened I watched him, kind of like Elliott, Jamie was still and calm. It was still the same day with all the same troubles but somehow everything had changed.  I looked in Jamie's young accepting eyes and once again saw myself.  These children are like little mirrors.  They love unconditionally.  That never changes, I change. When I get out of the swirling in my head and can see myself where I am right now in the moment I see this mass of threads is beginning to be woven into a beautiful tapestry.  there is much work to be done but I have progressed further than I often give myself credit for. 
"Well" Jamie said as I finished telling/weaving this part of my story, my journey to him. " Looks like someone removed that road block and handed you a key to that door...I guess you've had a pretty good day after all Mom."