Vultures

It's noon, Saturday-I'm still in my robe and slippers. During the week I am  up with the rooster and excited about the day like a  little kid not yet damaged and weighted down by worldly matters. Mornings for me are generally nice like that. But by Saturday I am tired.  It's only recently that I have acknowledged to myself the fact that I am tired and allowed myself a day to rest....without guilt.  I have spent most of my life exhausting myself preparing for tomorrow...never really savoring the beauty of the day/the moment...constantly asking myself, even out loud "Why is everything so hard???"
Today things aren't so hard anymore.  In fact life is good. However, I still have a mass of tangled threads from the past that need to get sorted out.  "You're almost there!" my mentor encourages me "you only need to cut off those last few loose threads!"  Sounds easy...Ha!  Those 'few loose threads' are what keep me anchored in this realm of perceived "safety"even as I peer through the open door of opportunity in front of me.  A door that opens onto doors, that opens onto doors,  ad infinitum.  Like looking into one of those three way mirrors.  At just the right angle I can see millions of reflections of myself.  When I was a kid I would become lost in the magic of those mirrors in the vanity over the bathroom sink at my grandfathers house.  I would wonder which one is me.  I would wonder if this was proof that when we die we never really cease to exist.
This morning, rather this afternoon as I stand in the warm sunshine on the poarch overlooking the farm I see several vultures on the fence near the corral.  I worry about the little lamb that was sick.  "Oh, No!"  I say to Eric as I look out through the steam rising from my fresh cup of hazlenut cofffee.  "You mean the vultures? It's not the lamb."  He says. Eric, as absent minded as he is, he is very perceptive.  He can't remember how to tie his shoes but he often knows what others are thinking or feeling sometimes even before we are aware of what we are thinking or feeling. 
"Yes the vultures."  I say. 
"No.  I threw the pigs heads out in the feild to give them a treat."  Eric is eccentric like that.  I find this amusing.

Poor piggies.  I think.  We recently sent 13 of our hogs up to the butcher to be slaughtered.  I am very happy about the fact that not one part of our animals go to waste.  But I messed up an order for a chef.  He wanted the pig heads skin on.  I had the butcher take the skin off.  Somehow, even though that part of the meat is not going for it's intended purpose, watching the vultures do their work feels better than to have those heads sit in the freezer looking at me every time I have to pack a meat order. 

Standing in the sunshine, sipping my coffee and watching the cycle of life I think of Temple Grandin's comment "Nature is cruel but we don't have to be." It took a while for me to be able to eat the meat that we raise.  The first time I tried to eat a piece of lamb I could not swallow it. As I stared at my plate I saw the little lambs frolicking in the fields and bouncing around playfully like they do.  I honestly thought, ironic as it seems, that now that I am a meat farmer I will have to become a vegetarian. But as I have raised the animals over the years, loved them, allowed them to live happy stress-free lives I began to realize that there was nothing toxic about the meat we produce.  Not only are our animals hormone, pesticide and stress free but they are treated with respect and love.  The butcher I chose was because of the very humane way they are handled.  As they walk down the comfortable and familiar straw lined path, oblivious to their fate they are calm.  They are there, beautiful, healthy and alive and a second later they are a piece of meat.  I don't know where they go but I do know the food they provide tastes of fresh air and sunshine, fresh water and green grass, and never ever have I tasted fear.  My youngest son remarked one time; "Mom, if we eat meat from happy animals, we will be happy too right?"  I do believe there is more than some truth to that statement.     

It is now 2:00pm and I am still in my robe. Guilt? No. I could have easily chosen to feel guilt but I choose to feel pampered. I could have easily seen the vultures as grotesque scavenging creatures devouring a decapitated remain of a harmless animal but I choose to see a natural circle of life and when a vulture spreads his wings to capture the warmth of the sun they are as beautiful as any exotic bird you would pay money to see in an avairy. I savored my coffee.  I  appreciated the strong warm March sunshine.  I allowed myself to be amused rather than annoyed by my boyfriends oddball behaviors. I am doing as my mentor (who is an accomplished writer and artist) suggested by paying attention to my body's need for rest and blogging about today's events...she thinks blogging will help me cut off those loose threads and give me courage to walk through the doors that recently seem to be opening around every corner, though I suspect they were always there I just couldn't see them because my mind was busy with "tomorrow".